Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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