Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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