ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
