She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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