she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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