I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
