i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
