Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
