If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize