I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
