It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
