Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
