Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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