I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
