Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
