I'm so fucking centered right now
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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