i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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