Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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