I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
two words: eviction party
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
