I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
