I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I looked at my own cervix.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
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