the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
