Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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