I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
