She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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