I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
