Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
