Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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