Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
