please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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