So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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