If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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