I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
