Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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