I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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