I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also, beer. Big fan.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
