Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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