we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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