Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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