last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
