Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
