i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
