I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
