2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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