i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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