I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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