I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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