Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
tonight lets celebrate not being married
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
