he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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