I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
