I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
