this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
