Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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