I wish I could teleport
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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