Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
