One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize