she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
