cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
