Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
