Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
