there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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