I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
In America we eat man semen.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
